I came back from Spain two months ago and I've been physically and psychologically fucked up. Like always but this time totally paralized. When you try to look to any direction but only see black. I don't know how to describe. Creo que es miedo. When you're afraid of everything. Everything. I can't decide stuff. And without making a decision it's impossible to have a proper plan for life. Or anything. Also there are things that happen without planning. After being in Spain I don't know anymore where I wanna live. I kinda got more problems. Even though I'm also glad I went there and learned many new things about myself and the world. But it hasn't made anything easier.
During this last stay I was in Madrid working as an au-pair. Only three months after all cause I felt horrible really soon and now I know that I'm not really a person to work with children. I mean, only with children. And it's not that I wouldn't like kids. I was working in two families. The first one was partly French. Those kids I didn't like much, they were badly educated without almost any kinda respect. And in the other family the kids were nice but as I got sick two times really badly and was already stressed and crying almost every day I didnt find any other option than come back home.
Still I had also nice moments in Madrid. I got new friends from my Spanish classes and met other people. Now that I'm back in Fland I miss the social life I had there. People go out more and meet their friends. I dont know, maybe here I just happen to have few friends who prefer stay at home watching the tv than going for a coffee but when I got used to being around people..it really made me sick when I understood how much time I gotta spend alone in Fland. I still wanna go back to Spain and now the only thing that I need is money.
Also I got medication for depression so we'll see what happens. I went to a shrink after all, I was supposed to go there already long long time ago but I just thought I'd survive without help. But probably not. Not that I've talked with people about that I've realized that it's not a very big deal. There are many people who are on some kinda medication. People just don't talk about it.
