Hah. Sleepless in Espoo. Fuck this shit. I almost forgot I have this blog. Whatever. I'm writing a real journal now cause my doctor told me to do it. That's how I can literally see that my days are all more or less similar and that I should act somehow to change it. You know the sign of recycling? Those two green arrows? Well, that's how my thoughts go. The same thoughts over and over again doing their never ending journey. I believe that with the help of my diary I can stop some of those thoughts. Build a wall to them so they can crash against it.. and disappear. One by one. So that one day I can think....nothing!! That's my dream. I have a dream. I_HAVE_A_DREAM! Yesss... a blank mind.

I still love nights. Maybe I die 20-30 years younger because of not-sleeping in the night. But I'm totally ok with that. Actually I could die today and be ok with that. Not that I'd wanna die but I don't see it as a big deal either.

Wow. I have to stop writing now because it would be just wasting kbs if I wrote more.

Still the best thing to do is to sit here, drink tea and do nothing important with my computer. I love this computer even tho it's getting old. I guess it's 4 years old or something. Or even more. I bought a new computer, a laptop, for my studies, but that's why it kind of has this... "studying status" and we have a professional relationship only...

Whoaaaa.. so I started to study again after all this searching that took me.. 1, 2, 3...6 years I guess. And the result is a compromise. I could say that I'm not 100% happy about the compromise (I did not want to study nothing more than photography or journalism. That is not what I'm doing now, instead of that I'm studying boring business stuff and languages, I love languages though, so the first part is the compromising part) but I'm satisfied because I wanted to study more and I guess I missed that a lot.

Haha. I get easily stressed but also as I've learned to recognize my reactions I might learn to control everything better. Or not. I can break down in a second and sometimes afterwards I don't know what happened. For no reasong. It's a little confusing.  But if I get really bad I go to see the Baby Panda in ZooAtlanta ... The cub doesn't have a name yet.. but will get it soon. Haha. Thinking about pandas and China, I also started to study Chinese but I'm mostly making fun of myself and thinking how idiot I gotta be trying to learn something imposible.

I moved to Helsinki and a little by little I'm starting to understand why people who live there say that it's the only city in Finland. Well, I partly already knew that cause my hometown is only one hour from there anyway. BUT still, I think that even if it was the only city in Finland, it's not the only Finnish city. If someone wants to get to know Finland it'd be a huge mistake to go to Helsinki. Or only to Helsinki. I barely hear Finnish language there. Russians are taking over the city with a new concept than 100 years ago.

Yesterday we went to see a movie "Vicky Cristina Barcelona". And yes, it's still in theater in Finland. I think it just arrived here actually. I liked the movie. I like movies who barely have a story. More based on the characters and so on. I could pay 40 € if someone gave me a chance to have a real fight with Penelope!!!! She's just awesome...!

Ugh. I'm again looking for a job. It's amazing how I always start from zero again and again. Or sometimes I feel I start from -5. But anyway.

I came back from Spain two months ago and I've been physically and psychologically fucked up. Like always but this time totally paralized. When you try to look to any direction but only see black. I don't know how to describe. Creo que es miedo. When you're afraid of everything. Everything. I can't decide stuff. And without making a decision it's impossible to have a proper plan for life. Or anything. Also there are things that happen without planning. After being in Spain I don't know anymore where I wanna live. I kinda got more problems. Even though I'm also glad I went there and learned many new things about myself and the world. But it hasn't made anything easier.

During this last stay I was in Madrid working as an au-pair. Only three months after all cause I felt horrible really soon and now I know that I'm not really a person to work with children. I mean, only with children. And it's not that I wouldn't like kids. I was working in two families. The first one was partly French. Those kids I didn't like much, they were badly educated without almost any kinda respect. And in the other family the kids were nice but as I got sick two times really badly and was already stressed and crying almost every day I didnt find any other option than come back home.

Still I had also nice moments in Madrid. I got new friends from my Spanish classes and met other people. Now that I'm back in Fland I miss the social life I had there. People go out more and meet their friends. I dont know, maybe here I just happen to have few friends who prefer stay at home watching the tv than going for a coffee but when I got used to being around people..it really made me sick when I understood how much time I gotta spend alone in Fland. I still wanna go back to Spain and now the only thing that I need is money.

Also I got medication for depression so we'll see what happens. I went to a shrink after all, I was supposed to go there already long long time ago but I just thought I'd survive without help. But probably not. Not that I've talked with people about that I've realized that it's not a very big deal. There are many people who are on some kinda medication. People just don't talk about it.

Maybe I should write to my blog more often but.

My life is so.

Sometimes I wish.

Then I.

Maybe I should.

To be.

Like today.

Tomorrow I'm gonna.

Next week I have to.

Is there a.

Ahhh what the hell.

You know better than me that.

There is no way nobody.

I just love December. It's so beautiful weather outside that it's hard to stay here inside the house. I took this picture through my window this afternoon.

This is SHIT!!!!!! BIIIIIIG rich fucking bastards have BIIIGGG rich companies and they have SOOO COOL websites and there's ALWAYS a link "contact us" at the bottom of the site but you can NEVER find any REAL information how to contact them behind that link, just some STOOOPID FAQs and shhhhiiiit!!!!

Thursday. The most non-existing day of the week. Monday is the day when you feel the world could end and it wouldn't be so bad, Tuesday.... well, it used to be the best tv day when I still watched the tv. And Wednesday...we call it "pikkulauantai" (small Saturday or so) in Finland, it's the other drinking day of the week. On Friday it feels like there's hope again and nothing's THAT bad, everyone smiles at work and seem really friendly. Saturday... ummmh. Ok, few people remember anything about it but still it's the best day. And Sunday.... Sunday... bloody Sunday.

I have nothing left to say (I'm one of those people who wait for their death before they are 30) so I'm gonna add a little photo here from my archives, a boring one like always. But it was summer. SUMMER. I want summer. I don't like snow. Or cold.

I think I'm becoming sick.

European Union summit is held in my hometown next weekend. Which is weird because our town is like... really small. There's no brain using happened among the people who decided to arrange it here. Some streets are closed from cars and people who live near the meeting place are forbidden to open their windows or balcony doors for security reasons. That are? Who gives a shit if some crazy Russian corrupted president comes here. If someone happened to kill him, they would get a new dictator anyway. And nobody even knows EU ministers. I can't name any. Haha. And so what, if someone opens his window anyway, what can the police do to him? A sniper shoots all curious people who didn't get the safety directions? (yea..it wouldn't be a surprise after what happened during Asem when they had too much time.. but still) Count windows like "1...2...from left..and 1..2...3..4..5.. from the top...yea..gotta be flat number 375... arrest him!"? What? Uhhuh.

Also it feels like... well, I don't feel like there's no such thing as democracy. People who have power in this world are not normal people. They live in their own world (yea, ok, I do that too, but it doesn't affect other people's lives). It is exactly like this meeting. They travel here over thousand kms by airplane just for one day, one meeting ("Oh how nice concert house made of wood, oh, nice lake btw, das ist gut, blaablaa"). Paid by people like me. Closed streets. Closed doors. Who has time to care about what they do behind the closed doors if they don't even want people to know what they do there. Probably stuff what Clinton did. Who knows. I don't care anymore.

So. I've been working almost a year now, one month to go. This is the official year of becoming old. And what have I learned?

1) Abour school: it really doesn't prepare you for the future in all cases. If school would give a true picture of what's coming it would be like.. every day the same subject, no change of periods, no "end of an aura", every day repeating and learning the same things over and over again that you really know your study books word by word. This doesn't match if you have an interesting job but with all basic jobs, yes.

2) Repeat the 1st

3) At some jobs you don't have to sit still all day long, which is a good thing

4) Repeat the 1st